And yet, most times you will not know this is in me. i will act the same, carry on my duties, smile when spoken to, and so on. i will be the mother, wife, friend i always am, but a part of me will be screaming on the inside. Biting my tongue to hold the scream in. i may laugh a little louder to cover up the insanity floating inside.
in all honesty, i'm tired. i'm tired of the exhausting effort it takes to continue this game. You know why i get angry? Because i know the other side of anger is sadness. Heartbreaking, crippling sadness, and i just can't. i'm too busy to break down. i don't have time to cry. i can't hurt, it take too much. So i opt for anger. Like a backstabbing friend it's back.
Right now you are probably thinking whoa, whats going on lady, i thought this was a christian blog? Some of you might even be a little afraid of me now. i get it. no judgement.
The reason i'm writing this, is i have come to terms i can no longer cover up, or hold onto this anger anymore. i realize the more i grow with Christ, the more i need to let him heal these tough areas in my life.
i'll be honest, i'm not looking forward to process. i don't want to dig deep. i don't want to cry. i have been custom to enjoying the numbness i use as a warm jacket. i've believed the lies that certain things don't bother me, or hurt me. But i can't be 100% available to the calling on my life, until i give 100%.
This is my truth. My journey. My choice, and choose to let go. This is gonna be hard and i may feel raw, but i know there is light t the end of the tunnel. i know my full potential can not be met until i deal with this head on.
Me and My Savior. No one said the walk as christian is easy, but the reward is so worth it.