So late last night while i was lying in bed, while everyone else was sleeping. i was enjoying the quiet. Trying to hold on to the moment, before the chaos of morning returned. i lay there thinking "why can't the days have more peace?" a voice in my heart replied, "they can, have you prayed about it?"
it humors me to no end, how God will call me to write a blog post, and then use it for my learning. Here i was just the other day writing about prayer, and seeking God, and what was i doing? i was relying on myself, (yet again), to solve an issue without going to the source of peace.
i immediately prayed for peace over my household. i prayed long, and i prayed hard. Not the, fall asleep in the middle of your prayer prayer, but letting my heart pour out of me to my loving Savior. i prayer for the discord to leave my home, for God to be given the glory, and my words to help build up, not tear down. Not only did i feel lighter after this prayer, but i knew without a doubt the Lord had heard me, and i had faith that peace would be delivered. i fell in to the best sleep i've had all week.
in the morning i woke up with a new attitude. i didn't have to control this situation. i just had to let it go, give it to God, and do my best to remain calm when i got frustrated. i made breakfast with a smile. Set the table with help of hubby and we all ate breakfast at the table (which is rare). it was nice. i felt light.
When the kids were getting ready for church, in the hustle and bustle, they would holler down at me from upstairs (which drives me insane). Before i said a word my husband asked one of them to come down, explaining we don't yell for each other, we talk. The soothing sound of my husbands voice made me smile. in fact not till this moment did i just realizes that that, was God. He had instilled peace in my husbands heart as well.
So the day had been shockingly great, which i don't know why i was shocked, God answers prayer. We all went to church and had a blessed time.
After church we went too the store, and there's where i had forgotten my prayer. . . . . my husband teased me, (which he often does, and i like it), but for some reason, i decided i didn't find it amusing. So rather than let it slide, i pushed his buttons. Literally like word vomit i kept on. i don't know why, because in my head i was thinking, what are you saying, you don't think that! His face that was smiling, with peace and happiness got a strange look, and turned cool. i knew the moment i saw his face i hurt him. i tried to quickly repair it, but the damage had been done.
Great, God, how did this happen, i prayed for peace, and now i was the one that ruined it. i felt horrible, not only about hurting my husbands feeling, but letting down God. i didn't do my part. He provided peace, and i hadn't kept my end of the deal. i ruined it.
So on the car ride home, while mentally beating myself up i apologized to my husband, and held his hand. He forgives quickly, but sometimes wounds still sting.
All afternoon, i've been wondering why did i ruin it. How did i blow it? i've been ashamed to talk to God about it. i feel like i stole a blessing, and didn't treat it right. i didn't deserve it.
Finally i turned over my hurt, and shame to him. i get it now. i don't have to earn anything from God. He gives blessing because he loves me. As much as i prayed, i hadn't fully given myself in the process. i still was trying to do it myself. it's like driving a car, God's in the drivers seat, but i keep grabbing the steering wheel, jerking it side to side, until i finally make him be the passenger. i don't think i knew, how much i try to control things on my own. i don't want to drive my car. My hearts cry as of this moment is for God to please be the driver of my life, cause i know He knows the right way. i need to give up control.
Through all my writings, i want you to know, i am just like you, trying to figure out this journey of life. i am not perfect, and God loves me just the way i am. i pray you feel blessed tonight, and know you don't have to earn those blessings. Let go of the steering wheel.
And on a side note, even though i felt i messed the day up. My kids have not fought hardly at all today. Now hows that for a miracle!