Overtime, and a few self help book later, i realized why i did it. You see i didn't want him to be disappointed in me. i was a Approval Addict. i needed constant approval. For myself. My choices. Everything. i felt it validated me as a person. Like see, i'm making a good choice, because so and so approves.
i think i always was addicted to approval, but it really got bad after i became a mother. Was i doing a good job? Did people agree with my parenting choices? it consumed me day and night. i would be edgy and defense, feeling i needed to prove myself if someone gave me a suggestion. Because to me, a suggestion meant you knew better than me, and i couldn't loose face. That would be letting people know that i didn't know what i was doing. That i was scared all the time. That i doubted myself constantly. When i made a choice, i felt i needed to give every reason why i made the one i did.
i can tell you it was an exhausting existence. Not to mention draining on my poor husband. Many times a small observation would get me so riled up that i would stomp out of the room in a huff. Leaving hubby wondering, what just happened? Sadly that scenario played out allot in our early years of marriage.
So. . . . . i am now a recovering Approval Addict. i'd love to tell you that i never doubt myself, or that i never tell white lies to my husband anymore, but i am human. You know the greatest part about that? God still loves me! As imperfect as i am. Now i am a God pleaser! i try to please my God to the best of my abilities. i know not everyone is going to agree with my choices or opinions, and thats ok. i care if God does.
if you find yourself thinking this sounds familiar, go to your Lord. Find yourself worth in him. HE APPROVES OF YOU!
Am i now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am i trying to please people? if i were still trying to please people, i would not be a servant of Christ.