i think what hurts the most during these times, is that i get flash backs of my own childhood. i remember clearly the frustration of not being able to understand something, that was clear as day. i remember throwing pencils, being spiteful and sassy, yelling at my father who was only there to help me.
With all this being said, i want to tell you about our last homework battle.. . . i was right at the my breaking point. Right when patience is long forgotten. Like a lit box of TNT, i was ready to blow! All the sudden this insane peace enveloped me. i say insane, cause it was so out of left field it almost knocked me down. i felt God's presence in that moment, as if his hand was literally resting on my shoulder. This knowledge came over me that my son is going to be ok. He will get through this. it is but a minor hiccup in his life's moments. A sheet of homework that doesn't get done will not make or break him.
i don't want these homework battles to ruin our mother son bond. These battles do not need to be constant. Maybe i was pushing him too much without meaning to. Trying to relive my homework days, do more, be better. A sign of perfectionism that i don't want him to feel. i realized this was not helping him or me.
You know what matters? That my son has the biggest heart of anyone i know. He holds God #1 in his life. i realize that i do need to guide him, but not hold his hand (pulling him along for the ride). i want him to be him, but at the same time, i worry if he does badly it reflects on me. For example, i didn't practice his spelling words with him enough, thats why he failed the test.
What a strain i've been putting us under. it is utterly useless, not to mention exhausting. Perfection is not attainable. And while i am his parent, and will guide him to the best of my abilities, he is his own person.
All these thoughts in a quick moment. He's going to grow up and be ok. A man with God on his side is unstoppable. (And I'm pretty sure by the time he is grown he will be able to spell "turkey". )
i love you my Billie, more than you will ever know!
You are destined for greatness!