i've taken a lot of time off from blogging. i did so because my emotions were high, and my heart felt raw. i acted as though i had it together on the outside, but i was having a hard time processing all that was around, and in me.
Lets back up a bit. . . . truth be told, i am horrible about taking care of me. (All my mama's can i get a amen? i know i'm not alone.) The last year i have noticed i haven't been as patient with the children, short with husband, and not finding the joy in the same things that normally brought me such happiness. My heart ached at night unable to figure out what i needed "fix" to feel better.
As i've written before, i do struggle with depression, and am medicated for this. That being said i needed to go in and get a physical for meds renewal.
The appt when fine, i didn't let her know everything that i was feeling, because i figured it was mental thing i would snap out of sooner or later. Four weeks later, i went to go back in to get blood work results. And it all made sense.
My blood work showed i and less estrogen than a man! What?! At first i laughed, then i was embarrassed. But you know what? God has a plan.
You see, i never get blood work done. i hate it. i was supposed to do it the year before, but "forgot", and never got it done. But this year my doctor said i had to, or meds couldn't get refilled. So God "made" me go to the doctor because He knew i wouldn't on my own.
i think sometimes we forget that God can use medical professionals to help us. Miracles can happen, and do, but it doesn't mean you stay home with pneumonia cause God is going to heal you.
So, back to my story. Why was this nonexistent estrogen important? More reasons than i can type. But in my case, at 36 years old my body thought it was going through menopause because of this deficient. And with all the testosterone in my body it explained the short temperedness, depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, ect. that i was trying to cope with.
You see, even with the dark cloud around me, i was being fought for. Because God sees me as worth fighting for. it says in Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." i have always loved this verse, but it holds new meaning for me. Because i literally was still, not trying to help myself, too deep in despair to even reach out a hand. But He fought for me! And He won!
Fast forward a couple months and new meds, and i feel like a new person. Like the old me that i loved has come home. Like an old friend that you missed more than yourself.
i am home.
i am me.
i was fought for.
To God be the Glory!
Special thank you's
Thank you to my friends who i shared my struggle, the prayers you sent up for me mean more than you know.
To my loving husband, thank you for the patience and kindness you have shown me. i thank God every day for you. You make me a better me.
My boys, i am so proud of you, you both mean the world to me. i promise to show you everyday, even when it embarrass you. Mom's back!